Dear Friends and Family,

Welcome to the 19th annual Thanksgiving Missive. Once again, this is the time of year that I subject you all to me bearing my soul and declaring the reasons for my gratitude. This tradition started in 2006 as I was about to begin a new, and what turned out to be, final adventure in my very diverse financial services career. The message that year was to say “Thank you” to family, friends and colleagues who were part of that journey.

I have been thinking about the concept of resilience a lot recently. I have written about resilience in a past missive (2016), and this year it was, once again, foremost on my mind. In that missive I wrote, “Gratitude is resilience”, but maybe the inverse is more accurate, “To be resilient requires gratitude.” This past year was an emotionally volatile one, full of incredible highs, and gut-wrenching lows. I am so grateful for Jeanmarie, my children and family, and my community who have provided me with the strength to be resilient.

We are beyond thrilled that our daughter, Maura, became engaged to Anthony, who is a wonderful, caring and loving person. Seeing them so happy and in love I can’t help but feel a profound sense of joy! This is definitely one of the highlights of this past year.

I said goodbye to my involvement with the music and arts festival, Maplewoodstock. It was such a big part of my life for the past 15 years and I am grateful for all my colleagues who worked (and still work) tirelessly to put on an amazing festival every year, and for allowing me to accompany them on that journey. I will treasure those memories. It was time to move over and allow someone else that opportunity.

In December of 2023 I also retired from my position as Treasurer of She’s the First (www.shesthefirst.org). An organization whose mission is still near and dear to my heart. It was a bittersweet decision, but just as it was for Maplewoodstock, it was time for someone else to bring in new energy and new ideas. It was another year of transition.

The joyful news about Maura and Anthony’s engagement came after our family suffered a traumatic loss. Our nephew, Michael died this year at the much too young age of 44. Deaths of loved ones are always hard, but losing Michael hit me to the core. Processing such intense grief takes a very long time. However, the subsequent joyous news about Maura’s engagement reminded me of the impermanence of emotions. We can heal! To be clear, however, healing does not mean “getting over it”, (as some may suggest, or even demand). We will go on living our lives, but the tragic loss will always be a part of us. We will live a life; it will just be different than the one we knew before. No, we don’t “move on”, but we can “move with”.

Acceptance and gratitude are the key components of being resilient after any tragic event. Accepting that the event has occurred is the first major hurdle. I don’t mean logically accepting as our brains will remind us of this whether we want it to or not. I am instead referring to the disbelief we feel in our hearts and souls. We wonder how or why this happened. In addition, we see other people around us and can’t help wondering how life can seemingly move along as if nothing happened. This may even evoke anger or disgust; “Don’t they know?”, or “Don’t they care?”, or “Did they forget?” It is hard to accept that our lives will be forever different. It may scare us. During this time, it may seem impossible that we can accept this changed reality, but it is exactly because life continues around us that we can realize acceptance.

Another hurdle to healing and being resilient is the destructive “what if” questions. “What if something had been done differently?” “What if I could or should have done something different or something more?” We all long to have the opportunity to have another chance. The realization that we cannot go back and change what happened can be gut-wrenching. It gives us a feeling of helplessness to such a degree we sometimes can’t fathom how we will ever feel in control again. It takes time to realize that no amount of “what ifs” can change or control the past. Resilience requires us to focus on what is in our control.

Accepting the reality of what has occurred and that it cannot be changed will allow us to move into, and with, our new reality. Instead of dwelling on the events of the past we can focus on what is within our control right now. Generally speaking, if the reason that we feel out of control still exists, then we may need to move away from, and not dwell on, that reason. For me, this is the single most important step in healing; realizing what I can and cannot control. This does not minimize the loss we suffered. It is still profound, AND by focusing on life’s current moments and the loved ones in our lives it can help restore that sense of control. We can become resilient. The love I receive from Jeanmarie, our girls and their partners grounds me and reins me in so that I can focus on being resilient! Gratitude beyond words.

I will miss Michael always, and I am grateful for the special bond that he and I shared. I am humbled that such a special person as Michael would allow me to share part of his life’s journey. I am sad, and I am so grateful!

Everyone, please have a safe Thanksgiving and holiday season. Please be kind and civil to one another, especially those who are suffering. Focus on what you can control, and may you know peace in your soul.

Tom (a/k/a TK, Tommy, Kernsy, #papakerns, Hit Man, Grandpa, the Professor, Face, Mr. Bean, PT (poor Tom), Timbo, and of course “Tickles” – don’t ask).

Annual Caveat

For those of you who have been part of this tradition, (some of you from the very beginning), I hope that I have not bored you with my narcissistic babble over the years. For those who are new to this tradition I say, “Welcome!” As always, if anyone wants to be excluded from these annual emails, please let me know. I will not be offended, I promise.

If anyone is interested in reading the previous missives I posted them on my blog page. https://www.papakernsblog.com/thanksgiving-missives