The Rock & Roll Auditor

There are events in each of our lives that when they are occurring, we have no idea the momentous impact they will have on our futures, our successes and our failures. Such was the case when my dad steered me towards accounting as my area of study. While not as exciting as playing left field for the NY Yankees or becoming a Rock & Roll star, it was momentous, nonetheless. As I began my career, Papa Kerns Sr’s encouragement and both my mom and dad’s ethical and independent ethos, in addition to Jeanmarie’s influence, significantly contributed to me having a successful career. There were hurdles and roadblocks put in the way, some of them self-imposed, and while my dad’s hands were steadying the tiller navigating me through school and providing me with an ethical foundation, I now see that it was my mom’s understated independent nature that was an invisible influence on the decisions I would make as an adult, especially in my career.

Millie
Mildred Veronica McGuire, (Millie), was the 6th child of eight born to John and Agnes McGuire on May 9th, 1923, in Jersey City NJ. She graduated high school, which was an early indication of her silent determination as this was not guaranteed for a young woman in the early 20th century. She married my dad on April 18th, 1946, after he returned home from World War II. For any outside observer my parents’ marriage would not have seemed any more remarkable than any other marriage during that time. It was quite provincial, in fact. My brother, Jim, was born on March 17th, 1947, and everything was lining up that they would continue the traditional patriarchal familial formula of the father working and the mother staying home to raise the number of children that were sure to come. My mom had some medical issues after Jim was born and the possibility of having additional children was put in doubt. I assume mom and dad must have resigned themselves to the fact that Jim would be an only child as years went by without any more pregnancies. That is until 7 years later when they became pregnant with their second child and Bob was born on February 11th, 1955. My birth followed three years later on May 25, 1958.

My recollection of my mom as I grew up was that she was a very calm determined woman who took care of household chores and the responsibilities of raising her children, while my dad worked 9 to 5, 5 days a week. (That’s not to say she didn’t have her excitable moments, but that’s for a different essay). My parents’ lives were very “1960s”! Their parental roles checked all of the traditional boxes with dad being the bread winner and disciplinarian, while Millie took on the role of stay-at-home mom and homemaker. In these roles, Papa Kerns Sr’s influence over me was obvious as I clearly stated in the Accidental Accountant. This is not to say that Millie’s influence was not also felt. It was just more subtle. I recall a number of events that showed her quiet independence which, in hindsight, was just as influential in my life as dad’s overt guidance, and in some respects maybe more so.

Millie was the first mother in our neighborhood to get a job. (With the exception of Mrs. Annick who was a grammar school teacher. The Annick’s lived across the street from our house, and Tom Annick was one of my childhood friends). My mom became a “lunch lady” at my grammar school, and then soon became the dreaded playground monitor. At the time, nothing could have been more embarrassing to me. My mom would discipline the kids who would misbehave on the playground, and some of them were my friends. I was mortified. Of course, I had no idea that my parents needed the extra money as Jim started college in 1965, and she swallowed her pride to take this menial job. The location was ideal, though, as the school was walking distance from our house, and she could be home by the time Bob and I got home from school. The pay must not have been very good, and the hassles of dealing with the shenanigans of grade school children must not have been very enjoyable. However, my parents needed the money and Millie figured out a way to get additional income for the family while still being available for her children. She was successful at straddling the expected role of stay-at-home mom while still contributing to the financial security of her family. As impressive as that is, all I cared about was that my mom was the tough “playground lady” and my friends were torturing me.

Not soon after Millie started working at Riverdale Elementary School, she also volunteered to teach CCD classes in our home.  CCD religion classes are to teach young Catholics about their religion and in our St. Mary’s parish these classes were taught by volunteers in their homes during the week. At that time my mom was a devout Catholic having been raised by strict Irish Catholic parents. During one of these classes, she was comparing the bible of the Old Testament to the New Testament, and she said that the stories told in the Old Testament were parables. One of the kids in the class asked for the meaning of the word “parables”. My mom explained that they were stories to teach a lesson or make a point. That child went home and told his mom that Mrs. Kerns said the bible wasn’t true and that they were made-up stories. The mom complained to the parish priest, and the CCD class was taken away from her without notice. She was crushed, felt betrayed and became disillusioned with the church. She was still a devout Catholic, but instead of being humiliated by attending the same church that insulted her, she made the strong and difficult choice to continue her faith on her own.

At about the same time as the CCD travesty occurred, I had gotten into a fistfight with another 6th-grade boy (Andy) after school. It was a fight that started with a bit of pushing and shoving during school but that was broken up by the Vice Principal before it got too physical. We secretly vowed to continue it after school. Apparently, it wasn’t so secret as by the time Andy and I met at our chosen location, which was the churchyard just off school grounds, there was a crowd of kids. When the fight started a roar erupted from the small crowd which got the attention of the Vice Principle who was getting in his car to go home for the night. He quickly came over and broke up the fight, (which was good for me as I was getting my butt kicked). The Vice Principal told us to see him first thing in the morning. When I got home my mom saw my black eye and wanted to know how the other kid looked. When I said I got the worst of it, she nonchalantly said that I hope I learned my lesson about choosing violence to solve problems. I was a bit taken aback that she showed little concern for my bruised face and, more importantly, my bruised ego, but I was also relieved that she was not mad. The next morning the Vice Principal suspended Andy and I for fighting which was a suspendable offence at our school.  My mother wasn’t having it.

The school called our homes for someone to come collect us, and my mother came in on fire. In front of me, Andy, Andy’s mom and a number of teachers she unleashed her fury on the Vice Principal, (who, by the way, was also her boss). She told him he had no right to discipline her child for actions that took place off of school grounds. That was her job!! She demanded that not only my suspension be vacated but Andy’s as well, as long as that was ok with Andy’s mom. We both returned to class. GO MOM!

As I continued to mature in age and behavior, it was my mom, more so than my dad, who would instill in me a sense of quiet independence. As I’ve said, my dad’s influence was more overt while my mom’s was more subtle. I wish I had realized this when she was still alive. I would have told her how much her influence aided me as I navigated through the challenges of life.

This unconscious sense of independence, my dad’s ethical influence and Jeanmarie’s steadfast determination that I never fall into the trap of complacency would all prove to be beneficial as my career progressed. We will see more of Jeanmarie’s guiding hand as my career progresses.

I Went to College for This?!
With a sigh of relief that my ephemeral plagiarism days were behind me and the fact that a career-ending disaster was avoided (see the Accidental Accountant), I was finally ready to get on with the beginning of my career.

After our CPA review course was completed, DH&S sent all of its many new recruits away for an intense 4 days of training classes. These classes took place in a facility outside of Princeton, NJ, and while I could have commuted to these classes, the firm insisted we all stay in hotel rooms. This felt like college all over again, complete with some intense partying at night. It’s a bit telling that I just barely remember what was taught during these classes but I have vivid memories of some of the high jinks that went on during those evenings.

During one infamous night, a number of us, including some of the instructors who were only a couple of years older than us, went out to a bar in downtown Princeton. The night began with us mingling with the Princeton students who were there. I guess since we were all post-graduation and were “real professionals” we had something to prove to these youngsters. Things escalated and looked like they were about to get out of control quickly. There were many very drunk people at this bar, and to be honest I was still a bit intimidated about the whole experience. I decided to leave before any trouble began.

When we got to our training class the next morning, we heard the stories of how a number of our colleagues got into fights, including one of the instructors, were physically removed from the bar, and literally thrown into the street. SCANDAL in our first week on the job. Comradery has a way of developing during moments such as this and it was during these four days when friendships began to form. Despite the fact that I was not part of the excitement at the bar, I must have shown some signs of being rebellious (or as rebellious as accountants can get 😉) that some of these new friends started referring to me as the “Rock & Roll Auditor”, although this was not yet known to me.

During these four days, I became friends, (which evolved into being good friends), with Glenn Reynolds. What I found very enlightening about this relationship was that here I am, a graduate with a Bachelor of Arts degree in Business (with only a specialization in accounting) from a virtually unknown college, and I have developed a friendship with Glenn who graduated with an economics degree from Harvard and had recently completed a Masters of Science – Accounting program at NYU Stern School of Business (a very prestigious business school). It impressed me that this ostensible class difference didn’t matter to him. I have to admit that one of the reasons I was so intimidated about starting my career at a prestigious firm such as Deloitte, Haskins & Sells, was the fact that I came from the metaphorical “other side of the tracks” when it came to my education. Becoming friends with Glenn put me very much at ease, at least for the time being. It turns out that Glenn was a unique case. While, as a white man, I would enjoy a level of privilege throughout my career that was not available to POC, women or other groups, there was still a prejudicial hierarchy that I would discover and would need to learn how to navigate.

Another memorable thing occurred at this training seminar. Pat Wade, the Partner-in-charge of the Manhattan office of DH&S, gave us all a bit of introductory pep talk, and while I do not remember most of what he said one thing stuck with me, “If you are to succeed in business in the 1980s you should strive to learn these two languages, if you haven’t already done so. The first is Spanish as much of the future business expansion will be to Spanish-speaking countries. The second language, and the more important one, is the language of computers, for without understanding computers you will not succeed.” His comment about computers was very prophetic.

DH&S’s offices had moved since I interviewed that previous February. They were now located in 1 World Trade Center on the 99th floor. In addition to getting a job at one of the most prestigious accounting firms, I was also working in one of the most iconic buildings in the world with an amazing view. After our 4 days of training, we all went back to our respective cities, and on Monday, September 8, 1980, I was to find out to what engagement I would be assigned. As I learned during the training, a public accounting firm is just like any other professional services firm, such as a law firm, where each accountant is assigned to a client. I was excited to learn that I was assigned to the famous financial services company, Merrill Lynch. I was told to report to the 11th floor of One Liberty Plaza in downtown Manhattan and meet with a senior accountant by the name of Phil. I still did not know exactly what to expect, but I was excited to start my first assignment with such a prestigious client. I surely did not expect what came next.

I was assigned to the “Customer Statements” team. The other members of the team were Dennis Walsh, Sherry (I don’t recall her last name) and our supervisor Kevin O’Brien who was a 3rd year accountant. The hierarchy of positions at DH&S were as follows – highest to lowest; Partner and Principal (level A), Manager (level B), Senior (level C), Semi-Senior (level D) and Junior (level E). Kevin was a second-year level D accountant. None of this seemed to matter to me at this point, but I soon came to know that for a second-year D accountant to be assigned as the supervisor for the Customer Statements Team was not a plum assignment.

The Customer Statements Team was responsible for managing the customer “confirmation process”. I knew about audit confirmations because it was one of the few pieces of knowledge I retained from my Auditing class at Glassboro. In the course of any audit, the auditors would send out requests, (or “confirmations”), to the clients’ customers and/or vendors to verify balances in the clients’ books and records. For example, if Merrill Lynch’s books indicated that Tom Kerns had deposits at the firm equaling $XXX amount, the auditor would send Tom Kerns a request to verify that amount.

Given that Merrill Lynch had millions of customers, it would be impossible to verify all of those balances in a timely manner, so auditors rely on statistical sampling techniques. (Recall the S.T.A.R.S. discussion in the Accidental Accountant). The S.T.A.R.S. process resulted in the selection of hundreds of thousands of Merrill Lynch customers to which confirmation requests were to be sent.

To prevent the customer balances from being altered in any way, the auditors must observe the process of printing and mailing the customer statements and confirmations. The Customer Statements Team was assigned to perform this observation, along with a few other unlucky souls. I was impressed by the sheer magnitude of the printing and mailing process. This was 1980 and the printer was one of the first laser printers. It was very large taking up most of the space in the room. I had never seen any computer printer before, never mind a laser printer that would print a page per second which amazed me. Once each page was printed a “burster” would detach the page from the roll of paper and stack it until each page of that customer’s statement was printed. The mechanics would then automatically staple and stuff the statement into an envelope. The envelope would be automatically inserted into a mailbag. Once a mail bag was full, a Merrill Lynch employee would load it into a truck which would then drive all of the bags to a nearby post office.  This entire process needed to be observed by an auditor and one auditor was to accompany the mail truck to the post office and observe each bag being dropped off to prevent any possible tampering.  Since there were so many customers of Merrill Lynch this process took days to complete. We took 12-hour shifts.

The reason for me explaining this process in great detail was to show how mundane it was. This exercise of observing a machine do its job could have been done by anyone with a set of working eyes, however, I understood that to maintain the integrity of the audit, the auditors must be the ones to perform this task. It did not occur to me at that time those of us selected for the mundane work of the Customers Statements Team all graduated from lesser-known state schools in either NJ or NY. It would soon become apparent to me that if I was to compete for more lucrative assignments with my colleagues from the more well-known schools, (I should mention that my friend Glenn would continue to be the exception.), then I was going to have to distinguish myself in some way. Being part of the Customers Statements team was not distinguishable in any way. The next part of the confirmation process would take place a few weeks later.

Once the statements and confirmation requests were mailed, a process was put in place to ensure that any confirmation responses that were mailed back by customers would be stored in a secure location.  While the term “secure location” sounds like something from a spy novel it was far from glamorous. This location was an old warehouse located on West Street in lower Manhattan. In 1980 this was not a very good area of NYC, and the warehouse was old and run down. A few blocks north of the warehouse was a bar called the Ramrod which is now considered an LGBT landmark site and had become famous for its leather scene. On November 19, 1980, after I left the West Street location to go home for the night, a homophobic madman drove by the Ramrod and fired a weapon at the crowd killing 2 people and wounding six others. Welcome to the world of auditing!

As indicated above the number of audit confirmations that were mailed to customers numbered in the hundreds of thousands. To handle the workload, Merrill Lynch paid for the hiring of about 30 temporary employees to sit in the basement of the West Street warehouse to categorize each response. All told, there were about 15 different categories. To do this, I kid you not, we had cardboard boxes on folding tables labeled with a black marker with each response type. The temporary workers would read each response and place it in the appropriate cardboard box. Once completed we would log each response.  There were no personal computers, laptops or tablets in 1980 so this log was literally in a handwritten notebook.  This went on for weeks and weeks.  Our job as auditors, in addition the maintaining the logbook, was to monitor the opening of the envelopes and supervise the categorization of the responses. While we endured being in the basement of an old warehouse just across the street from the Hudson River, you can imagine the number of rats and other vermin we encountered during our assignment. So much for the prestigious assignment. More than once someone on the Customer Statements Team would blurt out “I went to college for this??!!”

I mentioned earlier that being selected as the supervisor for the Customer Statements Team was not considered a plush assignment, which I assume is now somewhat obvious, and it became clear pretty quickly why Kevin O’Brien was chosen. Kevin was, mentally, on his way out of DH&S (and I imagine public accounting altogether). He turned out to be an absentee supervisor. He was always leaving to take walks only to return hours later.

As we were finally coming to the end of this ridiculous assignment Kevin said he wanted to treat us to lunch to show his appreciation for our “hard work”. The temporary workers were given an hour for lunch every day, and we would shut down the location for that hour, so it was easy for us to have lunch together.  However, when we left the warehouse for our “appreciation lunch” we didn’t realize that Kevin wanted to go to McAnn’s Bar which was all the way back downtown by the World Trade Center, a subway ride away. After arriving at the bar Kevin ordered pitchers of beer. The rest of the team looked at each other with concern, not so much for Kevin, but for our jobs. We had a beer, but there was a lot of beer left in the pitchers when we left to go back. I may have been the Rock & Roll Auditor, but I wasn’t stupid.

As we were exiting the subway station to walk the few blocks back to the West Street location Kevin told us he needed to go to the store and for us to head back without him. When he finally showed up at the warehouse, he had a six-pack of Rolling Rock and some red Solo cups. He opened the beer as if he was sitting in his living room watching TV instead of observing the temporary workers opening the mail. He also enjoyed his “dip”, otherwise known as chewing tobacco. The image of him is ingrained into my brain to this day. He was sitting there in the metal folding chair behind a metal folding table, with cardboard boxes of unopened mail stacked behind him, his chair pushed back so it was only on the back two legs, chewing tobacco dribble coming out of the side of his mouth, and holding a red Solo cup full of beer in one hand and another cup in his other for the spit. “I WENT TO COLLEGE FOR THIS??!!” If I recall correctly, I do not believe Kevin was with DH&S much longer after his time as the Customer Statements Team Supervisor. Not long after this infamous lunch, and after many months of boredom, my stint as part of the Merrill Lynch audit Customer Statements team was finally over.

The Holiday Office Party
We were now into December of 1980, and I was about to experience a better, (or at least a more glamorous), side to working for a large prestigious firm. The Holiday Office Party! The NYC office of Deloitte Haskins & Sells employed hundreds of people and everyone plus their spouses/dates were invited to the Holiday Party. The party needed to be at a large venue. DH&S selected the Grand Ballroom of the Sheraton Center in midtown Manhattan. I didn’t know what to expect other than we were told that the dress was semi-formal. I did not know what semi-formal was, so I wore a normal work suit. Jeanmarie looked lovely, of course, and we entered the Ballroom with more than a little apprehension. We were in awe.  There was a large dance band, multiple ice sculptures around the room, a very large dance floor, multiple bars and food stations. The food, while buffet style, was top notch including amazing carving and seafood stations. Neither one of us had ever experienced anything like this.

As we made our way around the room, I ran into some colleagues whom I met at the training sessions and in the office since starting in September. I had gone out after work a few times with these folks, and we were becoming friends. When Jeanmarie and I approached them, after everyone’s spouses/dates were introduced, someone asked if we had gone to the bar yet. I said no but we were about to. There was an audible sigh of relief. No one wanted to be the first one to go to the bar to ask for just a beer when it was stocked with top-shelf liquor. They didn’t want to look uncivilized, and they knew I wouldn’t care and would ask for a beer. “After all,” one of them said, “you are the Rock & Roll Auditor, so we knew you wouldn’t care.” That was the first time I had any knowledge of my moniker. Apparently, drinking beer and having a beard was all it took to be considered a Rock & Roller to these accountants.

Settling In!
As we rolled into 1981 my audit assignments were mostly related to Merrill Lynch but were much better than the Customer Statements Team. After the Merrill Lynch audit came to an end it was almost summer. As I previously stated in the Accidental Accountant, summers were notoriously slow for public accounting firms, and the firms would always encourage everyone to take all of their vacation time. Otherwise, we would sit around the offices without anything to do. I can remember many days when my time was filled with completing the Daily News crossword puzzle, reading a book, studying for the CPA exam, or being asked to deliver some documents for one of the partners. That last item was very sought after. If you were asked to make some delivery, the person in Human Resources who was responsible for scheduling your time, Joe Delaney, would often tell you that after you delivered the documents you could take the rest of the week off. There were times that I was assigned to deliver files on a Wednesday which would result in a four-day weekend in the middle of the summer. Again, this is not what I had expected working for an elite professional services firm, but at 23 years old, I wasn’t complaining.

I was assigned to Merrill Lynch again the following September, but in a more traditional audit role and I quite enjoyed it. I was still learning, and I would make some mistakes, but all-in-all it went well. My next assignment, however, was really interesting and I finally felt like I was learning, not only auditing but accounting as well. The audit assignment was for a company called St. Joe’s Minerals Corporation. St. Joe’s was a very large global mining company and there are very sophisticated accounting rules with regards to mining companies. Some nuances about this audit made it even more interesting, but the most interesting things occurred at the end of the audit and were not related to accounting or auditing at all. These two events left a lasting impression.

It was a small audit team comprise of; a partner, a manager, a senior, 2 semi-seniors and an intern. The 2 semi-seniors were Glenn Reynolds and me. Glenn and I kept in touch after we met during the training sessions in September of 1980, but we hadn’t yet been assigned to the same audit, so we were both happy to finally be working together. Glenn had developed a really good reputation in the firm and was often assigned to important clients. It became clear to me very quickly why he became a much sought-after accountant. He was very knowledgeable, intelligent, had a great work ethic, and to top it off he was also a great person. We ended up spending a lot of time together during this audit.

As the audit was winding down, the DH&S partner wanted to take the client’s senior accounting staff and the audit team out to lunch. This partner, whose name was Jim Craft, was known around the office to be a heavy drinker, and on this day, he lived up to his reputation. He was taking us all to one of the most famous French restaurants in NYC, if not the world, Lutèce (pronounced lu-tess). In the morning before lunch Glenn told me that he was on a few audit engagements with Jim and that he was a radical right-wing zealot whose hero was a man by the name of Jeremiah Denton. Denton was the Republican U.S. Senator from Alabama. He was also known for his extreme evangelical beliefs and was a darling of the oxymoronically named group The Moral Majority. However, the reason Jim was so enamored with Denton was his experience as a prisoner of war in Vietnam.

Denton was a Navy pilot and was shot down over Vietnam. He became a prisoner of war. He had a high rank and the Vietnamese captors wanted to use him for propaganda, so he was forced to participate in a 1966 televised interview. While answering questions, Denton blinked his eyes in Morse code, spelling the word "T-O-R-T-U-R-E”. Confirming for the first time that American POWs were being tortured.  Jim was known to go into a protracted rant when the subject of Denton came up, so Glenn told me that under no circumstance should we bring up politics.

When we arrived at Lutèce we were treated as royalty as Jim was a frequent customer. To say that I was intimidated is an understatement. I had never been out to a client lunch before, and I was unsure of the protocol. Being at a world-famous French restaurant didn’t help either. To further add to the intimidation, Jim instructed us that when we got to our table the audit team should spread out among the accounting staff, and not sit together. I ended up sitting between the Chief Financial Officer and the Controller, the two most senior accountants for this mammoth global company. The waiter asked if we wanted any drinks before ordering and started with Jim who was two seats to my left. Unsure if I should order anything alcoholic, I decided that if Jim ordered a cocktail, then I would order something. However, I only drank beer at the time, not even wine, and was unsure if ordering a beer was acceptable, (so much for the brave Rock & Roll Auditor). I decided that I would order whatever the person next to me ordered, which was a gin and tonic. I had never tried gin before and it turns out I hate gin. By the time the waiter got around to Glenn, who was across the table from me, he ordered a Heineken. Damn it, Glenn! Before I even finished my first glass Jim ordered another round for everyone. Lunch came with wine, but I politely refused. I was getting hammered, but since the lunch lasted well into the afternoon I did ultimately have a beer or two. As the entrees were being finished and we approached dessert I was still a bit intimidated by the whole affair, but the gin did loosen my tongue a bit. I couldn’t help myself and I spontaneously said to Jim, “I understand you are a big fan of Jeremiah Denton.” I couldn’t tell if the look on Glenn’s face was one of sheer panic or anger, but it was priceless regardless. True to form, Jim went on a bit of drunken rant preaching the gospel as per Jeremiah Denton. It was a sight to behold.

Prior to leaving the offices of St Joe’s for our lunch, we told the rest of the accounting staff that Glenn and I would treat them to drinks after work. We felt bad that they had done all of the work for the audit, but it was the CFO and Controller who were being treated to lunch. Our lunch at Lutèce took most of the afternoon, and both Glenn and I were a bit tipsy when we got back to the office. Not letting that deter us, we did what we promised and took the accounting staff to a nearby bar for cocktails. I have no idea how long we were there, but I do remember when we were leaving Glenn asked me to pay the bar bill with my credit card and he would reimburse me for his share. By this time both Glenn and I were very drunk, so the plan was for me to stay in the city at Glenn’s apartment instead of trying to get back to NJ. After paying the tab and we began walking to Glenn’s apartment I had a panic attack. I thought I had forgotten to leave a tip for the wait staff, and the tab was significant. Glenn rolled his eyes and told me to wait where we were standing and he would go back and check, (I was very drunk). When Glenn got back, he was laughing and said, “Kerns, not only did you leave a tip, you left a 50% tip”. Oh well, lucky them. I crashed on the floor of Glenn’s apartment and for the first of only two times in my career I did not make it to work the next day as a result of drinking too much the night before. The second time happened only a few years after this time, but it would never happen again. When I woke up the next morning it was 11:00am and Glenn was nowhere to be found. Apparently, he didn’t have the heart to wake me and just left me there while he went to work. Not my proudest moment.

A few days later the DH&S manager from the St Joe’s audit wanted to take the rest of the audit staff out to lunch as well. This was a much calmer affair, but still memorable. The manager, whose name I believe was Joe, was Chinese. His story was impressive. He emigrated to the U.S. to attend the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, (known as MIT), to study math. To get into MIT is impressive enough, but when he arrived, he didn’t speak English. While math is an international language all to itself, it was still taught in English. Joe managed to learn both math and English at the same time. I’m not sure how he went from being a math major at MIT to working for DH&S as an auditor (it may have had something to do with a visa sponsorship), but that does not take away from his brilliance. Joe was a really nice man and was a pleasure to work with him, so of course we accepted his invitation to lunch.

Joe was to take us to the place where he had his wedding reception in Chinatown. It was an authentic Cantonese restaurant, and the name was its address, “18 Elizabeth Street”. A pharmacy is located at that address now, but back in the early 80’s it was a great restaurant. I had recently been introduced to Chinese food by Jeanmarie and her sister and brother-in-law. Their preference was the food from the Szechuan region, which is much different and spicier than Cantonese food. My only reference to Cantonese style of food was the Americanized supermarket Chinese food such as La Choy’s chow mein which was bland and made with a thick corn starchy sauce. When I heard that we were going to a Cantonese restaurant I wasn’t expecting much.

When we entered the restaurant, I noticed that the members of our group were the only non-Chinese people in the restaurant, with Joe being the exception. When the menus came, they were all in Cantonese. Joe told us not to worry that he would take care of ordering the food and asked us to trust him, which we did. It was a dim sum menu with which I was unfamiliar. Joe informed us that dim sum is a traditional Chinese meal made up of small plates of dumplings and other small dishes. Similar to the way that the Spanish eat tapas, the dishes are shared among everyone at the table. The food was amazing. One of the plates he ordered was chow mein with half of the noodles burnt. He said it was nothing like the goopy La Choy’s and he was right. It was delicious, especially when you mixed in the burnt noodles. I remember it had a charred barbeque flavor.  While we were eating there was a commotion at one of the other tables and Joe explained that someone ordered the “Birds Nest Soup”.  “You may find this soup in many Chinese restaurants.” He said, “but do not order it.” He explained that authentic Birds Nest Soup is made from the bile from bird intestines. In other words, the same regurgitation that a mother bird would feed to its chicks. It looked as disgusting as it sounds.

Making the First Difficult Career Decision.
As I continued to be assigned to different audit engagements during the next year or two, I continued to wonder when I would actually use my accounting skills and knowledge. For larger clients, each audit was broken down into different segments. The auditors, at least at my level, would only be responsible for a very small aspect of the audit. Rarely was there any accounting knowledge required to perform these audit tasks. The lower-level auditor did perform important tasks, don’t get me wrong, but they were tasks that did not hold my interest. I was getting bored, and I let this boredom affect the quality of my work and my attitude. This change in attitude did not go unnoticed and I started getting less-than-stellar reviews from my supervisors, and even my colleague, Dennis Walsh, made some comments. Instead of taking these criticisms constructively, I became defensive and bitter. I decided it was time to make a move to leave DH&S. In hindsight, it was the right move for me, but I made it for the wrong reasons. Instead of focusing on my desire to be involved with more accounting-related functions, I instead focused on what I viewed as a persecution. This bitterness would result in an action that was petty, immature and selfish. However, this behavior that I describe in the last paragraph of this section convinced me to completely change my mindset regarding the way to respond to challenges.

While I was wallowing in my self-pity, I serendipitously received a cold call from a “head hunter”, which is a derogatory, yet very common, term used to describe executive recruiters. These recruiters help candidates find jobs in the professional sectors. I remember his name was Joel, but I don’t recall his last name. While my preference was to find a job outside of the public accounting sector, he suggested that if I really wanted to learn more about accounting, then I should work for a smaller accounting firm. The small to mid-sized accounting firms have smaller clients whose needs include bookkeeping services, audit services, tax advice & preparation, and accounting and business consulting. Firms like DH&S offer those services, but they are very specialized. The audit staff would rarely be part of any services other than auditing. To have an opportunity such as this at my level (3 years out of college) sounded appealing. Joel said, “as luck would have it, I have a client who was looking for someone with your big audit firm experience.” The catch was that this client needed to hire someone as soon as possible and he asked if I could meet one of their partners that very evening. Since I was contemplating leaving DH&S anyway, I had my resume ready to go. That evening I met one of the partners at this mid-sized accounting firm that was called M.R. Weiser & Co. The interview went very well. He offered me the position of Senior Accountant with a starting salary of $27,000 which was a $4,000 raise from what I was then making at DH&S. It was an easy decision for me, and I accepted the job that very night.

I was very excited that this process went as easily as it did and was looking forward to my next chapter. By the way, I never did meet Joel, (the head hunter), in person. I gave my two weeks’ notice to DH&S and was preparing for the second leg of my career journey, but there was one more event that left a lasting impression. It was something that I regretted for years.

When resigning from a large firm such as DH&S they often ask that you have an “exit interview” with human resources to give your feedback regarding your experience. Since I felt a bit persecuted, which was unfair of me as it was my attitude and job performance that was not acceptable, I felt I had to tell HR exactly what I was feeling. I blamed others at the firm, including my friend Dennis Walsh (although I didn’t mention him by name), as the reason for my departure. As if that wasn’t enough, as I was exiting the elevator in the lobby of 1 World Trade Center for the last time as an employee of the firm, a group of new DH&S recruits, fresh out of college, were entering the same elevator. Selfishly I made some cryptic comment that it was a mistake joining DH&S, and they would regret it. The moment I said it, I was horrified that I could be so selfish. Who was I to try to kill their enthusiasm? After all, wasn’t I proud and excited when I first got the offer from DH&S 3 years earlier? I so desperately wanted to turn around and let them know that I was kidding, or wrong, or just stupid. Unfortunately, the elevator had already closed and started its ascent. I felt horrible. The only positive result from that moment was that since I made such a selfish blunder, it made me realize that it was my behavior that caused me to have a negative experience and no one else was to blame. I vowed at that moment not to make the same mistake again, to take responsibility for my own behavior and mistakes, and I would never burn any more bridges behind me, (at least on purpose – a story for later).

The Certified Public Accountancy Exam (a/k/a The CPA Exam)
Just like graduates of law schools must first pass the bar exam to be considered a licensed lawyer, accountants must pass the CPA exam to become a Certified Public Accountant. In addition to passing the exam one must complete a certain number of years working for a CPA or at a CPA firm such as DH&S. The CPA exam is not an easy exam to pass. In 1980 when I first sat for the exam there were four parts, with each one being graded separately. The parts were Auditing, Business Law, Accounting Theory and Accounting Practice. The practice part was so extensive it was broken up into two separate sessions. The rule in New York State was that, while you can sit for the exam up to four times, you must pass at least 2 parts in one sitting before any passed parts are accepted. For example, the first time that I sat for the exam, I only passed the Business Law part, but since I didn’t pass any other part, I would have to sit for the Business Law part again until I passed at least two in one sitting.

After taking that very intense CPA review course in August of 1980 (see the Accidental Accountant) I was to sit for the exam in October. The exam was offered twice a year in NY; May and October. I studied for the exam using only the resources I received from DH&S during the course. There was so much material to study that I got a bit overwhelmed. Also, since I didn’t know the amount of studying that would be required there was no way Jeanmarie would know either, so she didn’t understand why I had to pass up so many social engagements to stay home and study. Even with studying as much as I did, it still wasn’t enough. As I was sitting for the exam, I soon realized I was overmatched. Once I got to the last part, which was Theory, I was physically and intellectually spent. I literally pulled a quarter out of my pocket and started to answer the questions, which were all multiple-choice, by flipping a coin. i.e., heads and the answer would be A or B, flip again, and if heads the answer would be A, tails it would be B. I looked over at the man sitting next to me and he was so shocked I thought the eyes were going to pop out of his head.

After getting my grades in the mail (which took many weeks) and finding out I only passed Business Law I was very frustrated. I started to doubt if I could pass this exam. A passing grade is a 75. I received a 75 on the Business Law part, 72 on Auditing, 66 on Practice and as a result of my coin flipping strategy, I got a 56 on Theory. Compounding my fear was that once you sat for the exam once, then you had two years to pass all four parts or else you would have to start the process over. After such abysmal results, I vowed that I would do what it took and developed a strategy. I purchased additional study material from the library of the American Institute of CPAs and decided to only focus on two parts for the next exam in May. This worked as I was able to pass both Business Law and Auditing with a score of 75 on each. The following October I took both Accounting Theory and Accounting Practice. I would pass Theory, also with a 75, but missed passing Accounting Practice by a few points. However, since I had already passed two parts I was able to keep the Theory score. I only had one more chance to pass the Practice part before I would have to start the process over again.

I pulled out all of the stops and put everything in my life on hold except working and studying. I even purchased 10 years of old exams from the AICPA library and charted how often each type of question was asked on these previous exams. Most of the different types of questions were asked at a consistent frequency from test to test except for one. Questions regarding accounting for municipal governments made up less than 2% of the questions. I decided to eliminate studying municipal accounting which allowed me to focus on the other types of questions. Imagine my shock when I sat for the Practice exam in May 1982 and municipal accounting questions made up almost 25% of the exam. Still, I put my head down and tried not to be crestfallen. However, when I got home from taking the exam, I remember telling Jeanmarie that I was not going to be a CPA because I wasn’t going to go through this hell again. I was that convinced I had failed.

The weeks that it took to get the results back felt like years. I remember walking up the stairs to our apartment in Weehawken, after getting the mail from our mailbox and seeing the Envelope from the NY State Department of Education, which is the state agency that issues the grades for the exams. Once again, I should point out that this was 1982 and there were no personal computers and the internet wasn’t available until years later, so the United States Postal Service was the only way to communicate the results. I remembered that when I received the results from the past exams there was a red check mark next to the parts that I failed. As I was walking up those stairs, I was too scared to open the envelope and I held it up to a light to see if I could see a red check mark through the envelope. Since that was unsuccessful, I asked Jeanmarie to open it for me. She told me I received a 76. I passed! I ended up having a combined score of 301, one more than the minimum passing score. I didn’t care. The Accidental Accountant, also known as the Rock & Roll Auditor, was about to become a Certified Public Accountant.