I decided to re-think my attitude and emotional approach regarding living in the midst of this COVID-19 pandemic.

It has been many months since we all found out about the deadly COVID-19 virus and had to experience the drastic lockdown of our country, and most of the world. This has caused the better part of humanity to experience a collective type of trauma. I have used the term PTSD to describe our experience, however as I reflect PTSD is not an accurate description. PTSD is an acronym for POST Traumatic Stress Disorder, and since we are still living amid this pandemic there is nothing “post” about it. A better term would be a prolonged traumatic experience.

To be sure, other events, both positive and negative, have occurred over these past many months in the nation and in the world. We each have had events in our personal lives, as life does go on. However, for me, and I am assuming for many others, the pandemic has been front and center and a constant source of anxiety.

The early days of the pandemic were frightening because of the sense of powerlessness of not knowing. Not knowing if I, or my loved ones, would get sick or die, not knowing if the virus would dissipate, not knowing if there would be a cure or a vaccine, and not knowing if we would ever return to the pre-pandemic life that was taken for granted. These anxieties were exacerbated by the vitriol spewed by those that did not believe the virus was a real thing, in addition to vitriol spewed by those of us who couldn’t fathom those views. I actually used phrases like “tin foil hat conspiracy nut jobs” to describe those that did not agree with what the scientists and medical professionals were telling us. At first these rantings made me feel better, but soon led to further feelings of fear, resentment, and sadness. This is just like the feeling that playground bullies get when they pick on others and have a feeling of superiority, only to revert to the feelings of insecurity that lead to the bullying behavior in the first place.

When a vaccine became available it seemed to me at that time that we were seeing the beginning of the end. We could meet in person, have dinner inside a restaurant, go to a movie, and get back to a more sense of normalcy. Then along came the anti-vaxxers, the delta variant and breakthrough cases. The anxieties and frustrations returned. It has been almost a year since vaccines became available and we are still living with the pandemic, albeit with greater knowledge. It appears that we are living in, (damn, I hate using this term), a “new normal”.  This new existence, unfortunately, still includes many individuals who refuse to do what it takes to get rid of this virus. Which is to get the vaccine. There are those who still spew vitriol about government overreach and those, like me, who are incensed by their selfishness. Yes, I believe that anyone who is able to get the vaccine and chooses not to is being selfish and treasonous to humankind. Let me make myself clear; I cannot respect that choice. However, I am trying very hard not to judge the person who makes it. Up to now I have not been very successful.

Living through a pandemic, and the disappointing human behavior that has occurred, has tested and stressed the boundaries of my mindfulness practice. I do get extremely angry when I hear about, or am confronted with, “anti-vaxxers”. However, I have decided to take a step back and examine the basis of that anger. On the surface I justified my anger because, well, not getting a vaccine for those who are able is selfish AND it puts others in danger. Seems reasonable, right!? When someone purposely behaves in a way that puts others in danger this should evoke an emotional response, and anger is appropriate. What I am questioning in myself is why so angry, and why with such prolonged intensity. I am sure that fear has a lot to do with the magnitude of these feelings.

This current phase of the pandemic seems like a crossroads to me. To reflect on my intellectual, emotional, and psychological journey during these past months has been daunting and anxiety producing. Living in these troubled times makes it very hard to focus and bring peace to my soul, but it is during these times when serenity is needed the most. I am grateful for my mindfulness practice and for those who guide me. Mindfulness reminds me, and allows me, to focus on just those things that I can control and not on the things that are out of my control. I cannot control what others think, do, or say. However, I can control how I choose to react to the actions of others. This does not mean I will not get angry or frustrated with the behavior of others, but mindfulness allows me to sit and process these feelings, and most importantly, to let them go. Letting go of my anger does not negate the feeling as it was very real at the time, in fact it allows me to really focus on, and get control of, the feeling instead of it taking control of me. I once described the physical sensation of anxiety as a tremendous weight on my chest. I called it an elephant on my chest, and to continually relive a past negative event or feeling serves no purpose other than to feed that metaphorical elephant. He just gets heavier.

So, what does all of this mean in terms of helping me exist during these times? There are still people who refuse to get vaccinated, and even rally around that unfortunate choice, which will continue to create anxiety as their actions will have a negative impact on humanity. The difference is how I choose to deal with that anxiety. I will not allow it to consume me as it has in the past. I will live my life in a manner that is safe for me and my loved ones and encourage others to do the same. I will follow the science as it is reported to us by the scientists, not the talking head analysts. If that means wearing a mask at the supermarket, for instance, I will wear a mask at the supermarket. I will notice others not wearing masks, and I will remind myself that I can only control what I do. I will take solace in knowing that I am doing the right thing. If I am confronted about my views by others, I will stand firm in my beliefs but will not seek out conflict of confrontation as it will do not good other than to provide food for that elephant. I will continue the process of attempting to bring peace to my soul, and I hope everyone can find peace and serenity during these unsettled times.