Before I continue with this year’s missive, a note to my Jewish friends;

I am so sorry that you are affected by so much hate and bigotry, of which, until now, my privilege has allowed me to be oblivious. For this, I feel ashamed. I am truly shocked by the amount of antisemitism that exists in our country and the world. Please know that I stand for your right to worship, I stand for your right to celebrate your heritage and your culture, and I stand for your right to have a homeland. In short, you have an ally in me. – Peace

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Dear Friends and Family,

Welcome to the 18th annual Thanksgiving Missive. Once again, this is the time of year that I subject you all to me bearing my soul and declaring the reasons for my gratitude. This tradition started in 2006 as I was about to begin a new, and what turned out to be, final adventure in my very diverse financial services career. The message that year was to say “Thank you” to family, friends and colleagues who were part of that journey.

“Man turns his back on his family. Well, he just ain't no good.” – Bruce Springsteen
“It’s what family does.” – Maureen Murphy (1988-ish)

I am grateful for my family!

I could leave it right there, but, nah, it wouldn’t be a missive then, and, well, I can’t help myself but to pontificate.

Earlier this summer Jeanmarie and I attended my 94-year-old aunt’s birthday celebration along with her children. These are cousins that I spent a great deal of time with as a child and teenager. It was great to reminisce AND to catch up with these people who were so important in my life for many years. It felt very natural, and why not…we are family! That visit was good for my soul, and it was the impetus for choosing “family” as the subject of this year’s missive.

Families are complicated, to say the least. We tend to be the most comfortable, and probably our truest selves, when we are just with family. Family loves us the most and, at the same time, can be judgmental and unforgiving. Family can make us feel safe and can frustrate and anger us like no one else can. Like I said….complicated.

My parents were fierce defenders of their family. Growing up with my dad, we knew that no one dared do anything to any of his three sons, even one of the sons, (as my brothers and I learned on more than one occasion.) My mom would not allow others to discipline us, that was her job. They kept it all in the family. While we were never a family that said “I love you” all that often, I never felt unloved. Even during hard or traumatic times we never spoke about our feelings, I just knew that I was safe with my family. I look back on my childhood with warm feelings and gratitude.

I am aware, of course, that each family is different. Not everyone has had the benefit of experiencing family as I do and did. Families are different in makeup, different in emotional connection, different in traditions, and in so many ways. I know, and knew, of some who had no immediate family but found the sense of family with friends and extended family. Of course, there are some who are very much alone, with no family to embrace or who will embrace them, and I feel nothing but compassion for those individuals because, for me, family is life sustaining.

Very few things are more upsetting to me than when family members “fall out” with one another. I tended to romanticize the concept of family when I was a boy (probably still do). When family members are estranged or simply do not get along that is tragic to me. I know I have done and said things that have pissed off members of my family, I have done and said things that I truly regret, but there is one thing that has remained constant: my love for my family.

With regards to our immediate family, Jeanmarie and I have raised our girls with one value goal in mind; that they grow up to be good people. The “Golden Rule”, as taught to us in our Catholic upbringing (Matthew 7:12 and also Leviticus 19:18), of treating others as you would want to be treated was the guiding force behind that value goal. Another value, which came later in life, but is similar in concept, also provided me guidance; “do no harm” (Ahimsa in Buddhism). Not that I’m biased or anything, but I believe Jeanmarie and I were successful in attaining that goal.

Recently we had a brief visit with my oldest brother, Jim and part of his family which, unfortunately, does not happen frequently enough. Again, it was like riding a bike. We just picked up as if the time and distance was not a factor. My other brother, Bob, and I live close enough where we see each other often, and for that I am extremely grateful.

I would be remiss if I didn’t write about my gratitude for the Hargrave clan. While I married into this family, I hold them as near to my heart as my blood relatives. We have laughed and cried together so often over these past 47 years that they are part of my DNA. We are there for each other during traumatic times as well as happy times. Many events have occurred during this nearly half a century, but one thing remains true, we are family! As the previously quoted philosopher, my SIL Maureen Murphy, once said (to me); “It’s what family does.”

Finally, I am, of course, most grateful for Jeanmarie, our girls and their S.O.’s. Without them I am incomplete. They are the reason for my happiness. The fact that Jeanmarie and I get to witness Katty & Tim, Maura & Anthony, and Erin & Jhawer navigate through young adulthood as caring human beings is nothing less than joyful. This is a gratitude beyond measure!

Everyone, please have a safe Thanksgiving and holiday season. Please be kind and civil to one another, especially family. And may you know peace in your soul.

Tom (a/k/a TK, Tommy, Kernsy, #papakerns, Hit Man, Grandpa, the Professor, Face, Mr. Bean, PT (poor Tom), Timbo, and of course “Tickles” – don’t ask).

Annual Caveat

For those of you who have been part of this tradition, (some of you from the very beginning), I hope that I have not bored you with my narcissistic babble over the years. For those who are new to this tradition I say, “Welcome!” As always, if anyone wants to be excluded from these annual emails, please let me know. I will not be offended, I promise.