“To err is human, to forgive, divine.” Alexander Pope

It appears to me that revenge and anger have become our “go to” reactionary responses easily surpassing justice and forgiveness. I hope to cover the battle of justice vs. revenge in another post. This post is to focus on the under-appreciated and often misunderstood concept of forgiveness. Society seems to have forgotten how to forgive, or maybe it never really knew.

I am very discouraged by the level of vitriol that exists in the world today. It is so prevalent that there is no need to give examples. Just turn on the 24-hour news stations, go on social media or simply listen to your colleagues and neighbors interact. Even when we agree with each other in principal if our views aren’t 100% aligned, we turn on each other. It’s enough to make you long to be isolated and quarantined somewhere….wait….maybe not. Seriously, though, it is very discouraging. The political and social environment in recent years coupled with trying to cope with the very difficult and emotionally draining pandemic that is lingering longer than necessary has attached a short fuse to our emotions. In addition, once ignited we seem to feel justified in holding on to anger and judgement.

Why do we tend to hold on to hate and anger? Why do we hold grudges? We all feel angry at times. Anger is one of the four primary emotions, along with happiness, sadness and fear. Anger’s intensity ranges from the petty annoyance to deep rooted hate. What causes us to be angry and at what level of intensity differs with each person, however just because anger is a primary human emotion does that mean it is necessary, and further is getting angry good for us? Behavioral scientists say that the short answer is yes! Jade Wu, Ph.D. writes in Psychology Today (https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-savvy-psychologist/202007/why-being-angry-is-okay-and-even-helpful);

“Emotions are big exclamation points that our brains hold up to get our attention when something important is happening, or when a problem needs to be solved. Fear warns us about danger, grief tells us to seek support, joy tells us that we should continue doing whatever it is that makes us feel good.

Anger is the same. It tells us that injustice is being enacted, or that we need to take action to ensure the survival of our body and our integrity.”

Humans have felt anger since the human race existed. Anger can motivate us into action, it helps protect against external threats and at times it can help provide the confidence we don’t always feel. So, yes, feeling angry at times is appropriate, but the more important questions for me are; How do I process my anger? What do I do with it when it has been process? And what I believe is the most important question, How do it let it go? I imagine the answers to all three of these questions are deeply personal. I know they are to me. For me, to let go of anger requires forgiveness.

Unfortunately, the concept of forgiveness does not enjoy its rightful place in the realm of human behavior. In fact, there are some, maybe even many, that view forgiveness as a sign of weakness. When, in truth, the act of forgiveness takes courage and strength.

It is mind boggling to me that the concept of forgiveness is associated with such a negative connotation. To me it is one of the most important human behaviors, and one that is required for the survival of the species. I know that sounds hyperbolic, and maybe it is, but if we look closely at our state of human interaction at this time in our history (2021) the level of anger, hate, accusations, paranoia, violence, lack of acceptance, fear of “the different” and lack of empathy is astounding to me. It is true that all of these disturbing traits have existed throughout human existence, however it was thought, or I should say “I thought”, that this lack of acceptance and understanding was mostly due to ignorance and the unbridled blind faith that resulted from that ignorance. Given that we have access to more information now than ever before there is no palpable reason for ignorance to remain such a destructive force. Unless, of course, the ignorance is willful. There does seem to be a willful desire to hold on to anger and hate, a visceral need to hold a grudge.

In my essay, “The Four Concepts” (click below to access) I include a section called the Sacred Trifecta which details my views regarding gratitude, humility and forgiveness. In order for forgiveness to stage that necessary comeback we need to understand what forgiveness is and what it is not which I detail in the essay.

Click here to access “Four Concepts”

Let’s dispel the notion that forgiveness is equivalent to weakness. That concept is ludicrous! It is worse than ludicrous. In many cases it is a cop-out, a rationalization that allows one to avoid the courage, conviction and strength required to forgive. For others it may simply be that they misunderstand what the concept of forgiveness actually means. It is widely thought, based on my observations, that to forgive someone is to “let them off the hook.” That is not forgiveness. That is denial and avoidance.

To forgive, in addition to being divine, is about you, not about the person who hurt you. It is NOT condoning the unkind, offensive or hurtful actions of others. To forgive someone does not mean that the hurtful act is forgotten or ignored. In fact, the person who perpetrated the hurtful act should be held accountable. That accountability should vary depending on the severity and circumstances of the act. It may be as simple as informing the person that they were hurtful, or you may no longer want to be associated with that person, or if serious enough the accountability may require incarceration. However, let’s be clear; accountability is not about revenge! Conversely holding someone accountable does not negate forgiveness. Forgiveness is for, and about, you. It gives you the means to let go of the hurt and anger.

For the past 10 years, or so, I’ve done a deep dive into mindful meditation. One of the tenets of mindfulness is learning how to “let go” of your emotions. While “letting go” is an important aspect of mindfulness, and Buddhism and other eastern religions of which mindfulness is based, there is nothing inherently spiritual or religious about using forgiveness to let go of hurt and anger. Forgiveness is a conscious human choice.

When we hold on to anger, when we hold a grudge, we are allowing the initial hurtful act to continue to harm us long after the act was done. We then relinquish the power over our emotions to the person, or people, who hurt us. Forgiveness allows us to regain that power while not condoning the hurtful behavior. Nelson Mandela’s statement upon being released from jail after being held for 27 years as a political prisoner is one of the best examples of how forgiveness can give you back your power and dignity;

“As I walked out the door toward the gate that would lead to my freedom, I knew that if I didn’t leave my bitterness and hatred behind, I’d still be in prison. 

I have my own personal story where I held on to the suffering for a long time after the act occurred (although, admittedly, not as profound as Mr. Mandela’s).  From my essay, “The Four Concepts.”

At one point in my career, I was involved in the development of products and services for a major international investment bank. One of my supervisors was a very difficult person to work for. His management style was very strict and he “managed by fear”. He and I had a particularly tense relationship. There were very few people with whom I could not get along during my career and he was one of them. I really despised his bullying tactics and carried that anger with me for most of the time that he was my supervisor. Fortunately, he was transferred to another department after only one year as my supervisor. After he left, I became very vocal about my displeasure with his behavior. I carried that anger with me long after he was gone. He still had control over me even though he was no longer my supervisor. A year or so later he was transferred back to my department once again in the role of my supervisor, (Karma??). I decided that I should speak with him to tell him how I felt, and our conversation was very productive. As a result, I came to realize that I was allowing him to have control over my emotions. I did not condone his bullying tactics, and they were still difficult to work under, but I was able to control my emotions and took back that key to my jail cell.

It is also so important to state that forgiveness is not denying or minimizing our hurt and anger. When someone does or says something that is hurtful of course it is absolutely appropriate to feel hurt, sad, angry, etc. In fact, to fully forgive requires understanding the emotional impact of the hurtful actions. To pretend that we are unaffected by these actions is denial. Accept what occurred and accept the resulting emotions. To effectively process emotions, they should be shared. They are real and need to be acknowledged before they can be let go. However, when telling our story, it is important to be impeccable with our words, be truthful. Own up to the true feelings, otherwise healing will be difficult, if not impossible. When we tell our true story, we unlock the pain and suffering that has been trapped inside of us. Telling or sharing the story of the suffering is not the same as reliving the events that caused the pain. Do not fall into the trap of focusing on the act or blaming the person who perpetrated the act. When telling the story focus on the feelings. Of course, the act that resulted in these feelings and the suffering needs to be acknowledged, but also take ownership of those emotions.

Since each of us own our emotions and feelings, the act of forgiveness should be all about us. It is for us. It is NOT about the hurtful actions of others. If I remember anything about my study of forgiveness it is this concept. Forgiveness is not condoning or forgetting, it is about acknowledgment, and it is to help me move forward, help me heal. I may never again encounter the person who hurt me, and that is irrelevant as forgiveness is not about the offender it is for me.

When I am hurt by the actions of others, I often find forgiveness to be difficult, at least right away. However, forgiveness is a trainable skill. Like all skills, it requires practice. Each time someone does or says something that is hurtful I try to say to myself; “This is his issue, not mine. He chose to be angry and hurtful. I have no control over his feelings, but I do have control over mine.” I find that the more I do this, the easier it becomes.

We all carry a lot on our shoulders every day, and if others say or do something hurtful it may be because they are in pain themselves. We don’t know what causes other people to behave as they do, and I try to bear that fact in mind. While not condoning hurtful behavior, I try to understand that for someone to be hurtful they must be feeling negative emotions of some kind. Empathy makes it easier to focus on the forgiveness process that allows me to heal.

I strive to be empathetic and forgiving, but unfortunately, I am not always successful. I sometimes do hold on to anger longer than I should. Some things are harder to let go of than others. However, ultimately I choose to forgive!!

For anyone interested in learning about the phenomenon of Forgiveness I highly recommend “Forgive for Good, A Proven Prescription for Health and Happiness”, by Dr. Fred Luskin.